I’m so tired of this. Just so exhausted.
Oh jooles. People are unbelievable.
I’ve been most surprised at mums family. Mum still has older siblings and 14 nieces and nephews who are my cousins. Considering I am the only one that has lost both mum and dad, I never hear from them. Mums brother calls me once a month and mums sister has called me a couple of times. I never hear from the others and some of them sat by mums bed as she died.
I know it sounds awful but I think to myself, just wait, until one or both of your parents are gone.
Mums eldest nephew contacted me a month ago saying he would like to visit on a sunday. I said i could only do the 22nd December. He said he will try and keep it free and let me know. I’ve heard nothing!
In future I will attend family funerals, on behalf of mum, but head off soon after and I’m not interested in any family parties. They just wouldn’t be the same without mum.
Just a few more days to go, jooles and the insensitive comments, the 'joy’s of christmas will be over x
No God at least we have this forum. I think I would go insane without you all to talk to. Literally no one gets it. I also think bitterly. “You wait”. I’m very bitter and angry at the moment. I’m on such a short fuse.
I’m amazed at the people I don’t hear from. However my mums sister my Aunty calls me every week and texts me every other day. She lost her daughter (my cousin) she was only 14 years old. From a brain haemorrhage no less. She collapsed at school bless her heart. My dads sister calls me every week too. She lost her husband from a sudden heart attack. He was only 50 odd. So they know. They get it. But I don’t like to off load on them because they are stil in pain too.
But other people. Nothing!!!
I can’t wait for this to be over. But I’m dreading January too and the start of a year that my mum won’t see.
Yes, the people who have lost do get it. The problem I have is that my friends who have lost one or both parents either lost them many years ago or they werent as close as I was with my mum. A few tears and they were back to their old lives.
Even my own sister doesnt get it. She text mum every week and visited her every couple of weeks for a coffee.
Mum used to do everything with me. Our life together was so intertwined. Not seeing her in the kitchen or hearing her pottering round the house is killing me.
Such a shame about your young cousin. That’s so sad x
Thank you for your words Shaun73. I think the three month period has hit me early, either that or Xmas is magnifying everything. I’m very drained after yesterday. Christmas decorations are randomly put up in the house. It looks festive and my Mum would have wanted that for me.
I’m at my partners today cleaning his house with him, so I’ve escaped all the objects that are triggering memories in Mums and my home. I hate housework.
I absolutely dread people contacting me, via messaging or email. They are going through the motions of being polite, but when they ask how I am, it’s impossible to answer. Emotional meltdown sounds like the truth at the moment. I think I’ll just stick to bearing up. I find it very difficult to make small talk at the moment. Just want to escape.
Here feels safe.
I too have wondered when I eventually come through the worse of this grief, whether I will allow myself to be happy.
Life is for living. I fear this grief could go on for a very long time.
It’s not just the loss of Mum. Its also a loss of a way of life and a routine.
It’s the messaging from a friend, who’s never lost a parent that drives me nuts. Her words come across as hollow and arrogant. Her Facebook posts regarding her own parents could not be more tactless, if she had tried.
I’ve got three people to reply to and I just wish they go away.
C1971, We both lived with our parent. We’ve lost our daily routines with them. I used to cook, whilst talking to Mum. We’d talk for hours most days.
When it comes to summer I’ll miss her love of my work in the garden, so many shared moments.
I hope this times next year it is all feeling less raw for us all.
I hope so daffy but the circumstances of her death will always cause such pain to me as I’m sure your mums will.
I’m working my first night shift tonight since mum died and she would always have something to eat ready for me at 6pm then wave me off at 7pm. She would also call me at 8.30 am to make sure I dont miss my stop on the train home.
None of that now and I feel so lost as a result x
Oh Cheryl
I totally understand your thinking with regards to the “ifs”
If only my mums GP hadn’t palmed her off with antibiotics the day before the stroke happened ( he said her chest pains were the result of a chest infection. Not the fact as we later found out a mild heart attack). If only when she had her hip replacement in July they had picked up on the fact that her heart valves were becoming a little blocked
I think we can drive ourselves mad with the what ifs xx
I have no idea how to come to terms with the fact she is gone
No idea how to trudge through the gloom that looms ahead during the next 2 weeks I have off work for the dreaded Christmas.
No idea of what next year will bring
Please if you can try not to tie yourself up in the what ifs
We loved our Mums did everything we thought was correct to care for them xx. We loved them as they did us. Unconditionally xx
With love Justine xx
Thank you justine for a lovely post.
I know you’re right but its so hard when our mums were fit, active and full of life last christmas.
There was no reason to think mine wouldn’t enjoy another 15 christmases.
You just don’t know what’s around the corner do you?
Cheryl x
Justine and Cheryl. Thinking of what if’s and the unknown could drive one quacky. Part of me thinks if my Mum had been given antibiotics and stayed at home where she could have got some sleep, she would have done better. I worry about her last two hours alive when I was not there with her. I left her anxious and with difficult breathing.
The kindest thing I can in the long term try and believe is she got old and ran out of luck.
Cheryl, I hope work goes well. Remember, our mothers would want us to look after ourselves. X
Daffy and justine
In my better moments I think some divine intervention stepped in and caused my mums brain haemorrhage to prevent her suffering in the near future. Her surgery had gone well and she was chatting away in the recovery room.
Then 15 minutes in she suffers a major stroke, falls asleep and never wakes. I think why?
Then I consider the heart disease and previous heart attack discovered on her PM, how blocked all her arteries were and the likelihood of strokes in the near future. It’s almost certain mum would have suffered a heart attack or stroke at home either in front of my daughter and I, or we would have found her. It doesnt bear thinking about.
I’m sure your mums situations are similar as well. Your mums would most likely have died at home with you both and at least we can be grateful that they all died in hospital surrounded by medical staff who would have saved them if it was possible.
These are thoughts in my better moments, which are very rare I might add!
Cheryl x
You’re absolutely right. If they hadn’t passed away when they did, it could have been equally or even more traumatic at a later date.
My mother could have had a heart attack, whilst we were actually arguing. Or knocked over by a car, as her road sense had changed. Or any other unpleasant way. It doesn’t bare thinking about. I also would have struggled with a very long goodbye, as my mother was a very anxious person who would usually let all her emotions out.
Its going to take time to let go perhaps of the what ifs and if only.
The here and now matters too.
Yes daffy.
My mum was waiting for the hospital to visit before she went in to check her road safety.
Although the mini stroke 12 days earlier seemed to only affect her slightly the hospital said she wasnt allowed out till they had watched her walking and crossing roads. Being trapped at home would have destroyed my mum. If they had advised her she wasnt safe it would have killed her to lose her independence.
Also, my mum had fallen indoors a week before her stroke. This had never happened in her life! I think there is no doubt my mum was becoming very I’ll but I’ve conveniently forgotten all this.
I was becoming terribly worried about my mum
I know there is nothing we can do anyway to change things but I’m trying to think that things were never going to be the same again anyway x
Hi all I have lived with its and buts for the last 2 years it does drive you crazy, it takes along time to except what happened but you learn to you have to the guilt was a hard thing and took me a long time to get my head around,what happened to mum, the new life was so hard to get together and I am still getting it together now being on my own is hard ,I have the same thing as soon as mum died people stop ringing and calling in its like they only came to see mum and not me I am managing alot better and can get through loads of days but still miss mum so much and do have bad days I look forward to things alot now but it’s different without mum as we done so much together Xmas is so horrible without her and I try and put a smile on for family but when you have spent every Xmas day with someone it will never be the same again I would love to sleep through Xmas I’m sure you all would like that to but we have to try and get through it the best we can just take it hour by hour and don’t let people bully you into doing anything you don’t want all take some time for your selves I did my first year thinking of you all at this awful time jage
Hi jage,
Thank you for your post. It’s interesting to see how someone a bit further along the journey is coping.
2 years sounds like so long to people but I cant tell you how quickly the last 6 months has gone since mum died. It could honestly have happened last week. I remember every second of every but of the 24 hours between mums brain haemorrhage and mums life support being switched off. I dont know how I made it through.
I hope you get through this period as well was you can. X
Cheryl, My mother fell the evening before she went into hospital, due to getting older and also due to a lung infection. She was apparently six hours on a cold floor before I found her. We got her up. She said she was fine and I helped her to bed. She seemed fine and ate heartily. The following day, I decided to seek advice, as she was not physically right. Mum argued with me that she “was not going to hospital!”
My partner a week or so before said to me “that she won’t last forever now”. A nod to her getting older. And I mentally acknowledged he was right.
Cheryl, i believe that when you live with or around a loved one a lot, you don’t always notice all the warning signs. Any changes become the new norm.
Like with your mother, there were some warning signs, yet in the same breathe the sudden ending was totally unexpected.
Our mums were young in many respects, but perhaps not in others?
Our bodies are finely balanced, it just takes a few things to be out, for it all to unravel.
It’s very traumatic loosing a loved one. We will hopefully in time find some peace and acceptance regarding our sad loss.
Thank you very much for that I to remember every part of that last 10 days of my mum dying it was horrendous being on my own when it happened on my b day I can’t put any Xmas stuff up because I had them up for mum when she died and all I see is her dead with tree behind her I hope after Xmas to get my own place and may be it will help me to move on more I took this place when mum was struggling so it’s time to get my own space after 6 years thanks for your kind words the last few weeks have been bad I lost my job I loved because last one in then anniversary and now stupid Xmas for me new year the first year was awful, new year new start doesn’t apply when your grieving every day is crap it doesn’t matter what day it is every day just blends into next one and days are existing and long
I meant exhausting and long but things will get better they will in time you have to except some things you can’t change or control it’s hard but you all will enjoy some things again love to you all jage
Jage. Thank you for coming on here and giving us hope in the midst of your own pain and grief. Xx
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